


But I Don't Have the Strength to Do It (Sober)

by DoorKeeper9



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ben coos over porgs, Ben is kind of a himbo, Ben mostly shits on Hux but he does that sober too, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Humor, Rey is so long-suffering, TLJ if Ben was wasted the whole time, That's it that's the prompt, Wouldn't we all?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:22:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25448302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoorKeeper9/pseuds/DoorKeeper9
Summary: Based on @jeenoamit's curiouscat Q&A: pick an adam driver movie where nothing would change, except the adam character is now shit-faced drunk — The Last JediCharacters are gleefully out of character here, plot is thin as hell so just take it scene by scene, and pray for my boy Ben Solo when his hangover fully hits.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 91
Kudos: 349





	But I Don't Have the Strength to Do It (Sober)

**Author's Note:**

> Also, what 4th wall? Feel free to add your own scenarios in the comments!

Ben Solo is drunk, and he blames the past week. He blames the scavenger girl. He blames the endless supply of liquor Snoke keeps on his ship. And he does blame himself, at least a little, after draining a bottle of Corellian whiskey.

“I mean,” he slurs now, slumped in his black swivel chair. “Would  _ you  _ kill your father?”

“I would,” pipes up Hux.

“No one asked you, asshole.” 

Ben turns bleary eyes towards the other executive officers who were supposed to be meeting or something. He’s sprawled out in his chair at the head of the table and his knights have closed ranks behind him, which is  _ great.  _ They look  _ great _ . Everything’s  _ great. _ Except for his ass, which aches. 

“I mean, what if he bounced?” Ben asks plaintively. “He’s a rubbery guy. And, like,” Ben ticks off his long fingers, “Luke survived a big fall. Um..Boba  _ Fett _ survived a big fall. Fuckin’, ummm, what’s his face…” he scrunches his nose, thinking, “Palpatine? Palpatine-”

Hux clears his throat loudly. “If we could continue…” he says leadingly, glaring over at Ben. Ben shrugs and blows a hollow note over the top of his bottle, casually flipping him off. So the little ginger starts talking. And talking, and talking, and...

“You’re such a pussy,” Ben mumbles, shaking his head.

“What?”

“Just a...big ole…” Ben makes a parenthesis in the air, squinting at Hux.

“Ren, I’m-”

“-pussy.”

Hux freezes, lips tightly drawn. HA.  _ Lips. _

“Just like…”

“Ren, I think you’ve had too much to…”

“Flapping and flapping.” Ben lolls his head to the side, considering the ginger. “And you’re  _ small _ ,” he says, faintly disgusted. “I bet I could lift three of you.”

Hux trembles in place with fury. “I will  _ not  _ be subjected to-”

Ben turns to his knights. “What do you think? Could I lift three of him? Four, maybe?”

They all nod. Ben nods back, decisively, turns back to face Hux. He raises his fist and Cardo pounds it.

“This guy gets it,” Ben says, pointing sideways.

“I can see that I’m not needed here,” Hux says stiffly, turning to leave.

Ben giggles. “Nope.” He lifts his bottle up to his lips and is totally bummed to find that it’s empty; he groans and shakes it upside down. Then he sighs, slumping down in his chair with a pout.

“Are there planets of liquor somewhere?” he asks, lolling his head on his neck. The officers stare back at him blankly. Ben shrugs helplessly, palms up. “We live in  _ space _ , guys.  _ Come on. _ ”

\---

A few hours later, Snoke’s being a dick, per usual. Good thing Ben’s drunk.

“I literally killed my dad,” Ben says, arms spread out wide.

“And look at you. The deed-”

“Is fuckin’ done, Snoke. Donezo. Dead. The deadening occurred.” Ben huffs, crossing his arms. He sways on the spot.

Snoke sniffs primly. “You were bested by a girl who had never held a lightsaber before.”

“She can hold my lightsaber,” Ben mumbles.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

Snoke’s eyes narrow. “You’re just a child in a mask.”

Ben blinks. He looks down at the helmet in his hand. “But...I took it off.”

Snoke groans. “Not  _ literally _ , just-” he composes himself. “Get out of here, Ren.”

Ben sketches a salute, then turns and starts stumbling back towards the elevator. As soon as he’s in, he looks down at the mask in his hands.  _ Vader  _ had a cool crumpled mask; maybe his isn’t crumpled enough? On a drunken whim, Ben summons his considerable power and anger and  _ force _ , and  _ slams  _ the mask into the elevator wall.

He freezes in place, eyes slowly opening wider and wider.

“OWWWWWWwwwww,” he groans finally, drawing his hand back out of the helmet. He drops onto his knees and clutches his fist, shaking it out slowly.

“Ohhh shitfuck, shit  _ fuckkk.” _

Ben drops onto his side, clutching his hand and moaning. The elevator door whooshes open a moment later and two officers stand, startled, outside of it.

“Fuck my balls, that  _ hurt _ ,” Ben groans, unheeding, from the floor.

The officers, wisely, decide to wait for the next lift.

\---

The cool thing about being drunk is that it’s not even surprising when Rey shows up out of the blue, like she’s here.

Ben pats at his thighs. “Am I-?” he cocks his head, puzzled. “Am I jerking off?”

“ _ What? _ ” 

Ben waves his hand, shrugging. “I’m usually not wearing pants when I see you. What’s up?”

Rey sputters and disappears. 

Ben shrugs again. Then he jerks off.

\---

The second time, Rey launches right into it.

“Murderous snake!” she shouts at him, glaring. “You’re too late! You lost. I found Skywalker-”

Ben sways in place, frowning. “Did he tell you what happened?” he asks, raising one unsteady finger. “The night I destroyed his temple. Did h-” Ben cuts off abruptly. He blinks, lowering his hand. “Is that a porg?”

“What?”

Ben bends over unsteadily, straining to look at the plump little blob at Rey’s feet.

“Oh shiiiiiit,” he says, breaking out into a grin. “You’re so  _ cute.”  _ He takes two steps forward. Rey takes two steps back.

“Hey!” Ben complains, jerking his head up to look at her. “Stand next to it so I can see it!”

“Murderous…” Rey trails off, looking confused. She takes one step forward and the porg fades back into view.

“Hiiiii,” Ben coos. He shuffles forward, eyes trained on the porg.

“Um-”

Ben looks up at Rey eagerly. “Can you pick it up?”

She looks affronted. “No, I-”

“Please?”

“I won’t-”

“Please, Rey?”

She shakes her head, bewildered. Ben pouts.

“ReyRey.”

“That’s not my-”

“I wanna-”

“Oh my god,  _ fine _ ,” Rey snaps, reaching down to pick up the porg. It solidifies in her hand, looking fluffy and white and perfect and soft-

“You’re talking out loud,” Rey says, looking at him strangely.

“Whatever,” Ben breathes, and he pets the thing’s head with one huge black-gloved finger. “Should we name it?”

\---

The third time, Ben thinks it’s only the spins. Then he realizes that the force bond is about to connect him with Rey, and he starts ripping at his surcoat.

“Waitwaitwaitwait-” 

By some miracle, Ben wrestles off his surcoat and shirt just before Rey’s voice sounds; he freezes in place, back towards her.

_ Damn _ . He’d wanted to get his dick out.

Instead, Ben settles for turning slowly and seeing Rey’s face turn pink at the sight of his pecs.

“They’re good, right?” he says a little too loudly.

Rey immediately scowls. “No,” she says stubbornly.

“But they’re big,” Ben slurs, feeling hurt.

“Kylo…”

“I can lift four Huxes,” Ben sulks. 

Rey sighs. Her eyes flicker over his chest and his arms, and Ben’s spirits lift slightly.

“Wanna touch them?” he asks hopefully.

Rey shakes her head, though her gaze doesn’t move.

“ _ I  _ can touch them,” Ben offers. Rey clears her throat.

“No,” she says firmly. “Thank you,” she adds.

Ben sways on his feet. “Ok then,” he says, looking down at his hands. “I’ll just keep standing shirtless. That’s what I...do. Do when I’m here.” He gestures vaguely. “On my ship.” He peeks up at her. “My  _ big  _ ship.”

Rey just shakes her head, but Ben hears a faint laugh as she fades back out of view.

\---

The next time he sees her he’s midway through a bender and she’s  _ crying _ .

Ben’s brain short-circuits.

“I’ll kill him,” Ben blurts out.

Rey sniffles. “What?”

“Whoever did it,” he says, eyes fixed on her face. “Is it a planet? I’ve killed planets. I’ll fucking do it.”

“Kylo…”

He sits heavily, closer to her. “I don’t want you to cry,” he says simply, staring at her.

Rey laughs wetly. “I fell into an ocean cavern,” she says. “There was a glass mirror, and when I touched it I got trapped in time.”

“Sure, ok,” Ben says, nodding wisely. Rey is so pretty, up close. Even though she’s still crying.

“I thought I’d find answers here,” she says despondently. “I was wrong. I’d never felt so alone.”

“You’re not alone,” Ben says softly.

Rey looks at him like it’s the first time. “Neither are you.”

“Neither are you.”

“Neither are-” Rey pauses. “Are you drunk?”

Ben nods solemnly. “Super wasted.”

Rey huffs a laugh. Then, tentatively, she lifts her hand from her lap and raises it towards him. Ben pulls off his glove and reaches back. Their fingertips just barely graze each other’s, and Ben  _ feels  _ it.

Oh man, does he feel it.

“Do you think-” his voice comes out way too high, and he coughs. “Do you think it feels this way everywhere?” he asks, like he doesn’t care.

Rey’s eyebrows raise slightly, and her gaze flickers down towards Ben’s crotch.

“Apparently, yes,” she says dryly.

“Uh,” he says, grappling with his emotions. “Maybe we should check. Just to make sure.”

Rey smiles a little, then, and her fingers slide softly across his palm and up to his pulse. “You feel that?” she teases.

Ben nods, eyes wide.

Her hand drops from his hand to his knee. “What about that?”

Ben swallows hard, nodding. “Can we test your tit in my mouth?” he asks bluntly, throat dry.

And of course, that’s when Luke stumbles in. Fucking  _ cockblock. _

\---

Ben freezes mid-shot. 

He’s been  _ feeling  _ a lot ever since he touched Rey’s hand, so he’s trying to unwind with the knights right now, but even through the fog of alcohol he senses her pop into space.  _ His  _ space.

“Oh shit,” he says breathlessly, eyes opening wide. Then a slow, sloppy smile curls his lips. “Oh  _ man,”  _ he says, excitement contagiously spreading. “I think that... _ guys _ .” Ben snaps bleary eyes towards his knights.

“You know that- that  _ scavenger  _ girl?”

They nod.

“The cute one?”

A pause, then they nod.

“With the sweet little ass and like-” Ben waves a hand over his face “-eyes.” His hand stills and he stares into space, expression dreamy. “Really nice eyes.”

A sigh exhales from a helmet. The knights all, pointedly, nod.

“ANYway,” Ben says, shaking his head to clear it. The shot slops over his glove. “I’m gonna touch her hand again. HEY-yo.”

He tosses back the shot, grinning again, then pats himself down.

“Do I look ok?” he asks his knights anxiously. “Helmet, no helmet?” He frowns. “Oh fuck, right, I broke the helmet. OKAY.”

With a wobbly spin, Ben turns on the spot and heads out the door into the hallway. His path isn’t necessarily straight, but he knows where he’s going; he can feel Rey in the hangar. 

“Heyyyyy,” he calls to two approaching guards. “You guys busy?” 

The guards look at each other.

“Fuck nooo, you’re not,” Ben says, shooting guns with his fingers. “You’re comin’ with me.” 

“Uh, actually, sir we have orders-”

Ben’s smile stiffens and fades; he shoots his finger guns once more, and this time both guards are hurled backwards by the force, smashing bodily into a nearby pillar. Ben lets out a single bark of laughter, then swings his head over to look at another pair of storm troopers.

“ _ You _ busy?” he asks, eyes glinting.

They instantly stiffen. “No sir!” 

“Damn straight.” Ben’s lips drop into a scowl. “Let’s roll.”

\---

Ben’s nerves feel utterly fried by the time he and his guards make it down to the hangar. Does his hair look too greasy? Should he take both his gloves off, or is that too forward? 

Maybe, he thinks, he should have been sober for this.

But then Rey’s pod thingy is right there in front of him and the glass cover is pulling back and...oh, man.

Her  _ eyes. _

Her perfect fuckin’ face.

Her sweet little tits all wrapped up in black like she’s trying to-

“Kylo,” Rey says, quirking her eyebrow. “You’re talking out loud.”

“I’m sorry,” he breathes, still looking down. Then he swallows and continues in a whisper: “I’m really hard right now.”

Rey covers her face with a groan, but not before he sees those perfect cheeks redden. Ben forces himself to step back.

“Anyway,” he says, clearing his throat. “You’re under arrest.”

\---

The ride up to the throne room should take a few minutes.  _ Only  _ a few minutes. He’s the master of the Knights of Ren, he can handle it.

“So,” Ben says, voice cracking, “how was your flight?”

Rey glances at him.

“Did you-” Ben struggles, trying to keep his thoughts straight. It’s hard, with a surging erection draining the blood from his head. “Um. Did you. Are you wearing makeup?”

Rey looks over her shoulder at him again, this time longer.

“Maybe,” she says, with a slight smile.

“Ok cool,” Ben says, flexing his hands. Why is it so  _ hot _ in here? “Would it be cool if I-” his voice breaks again. God _ dammit _ . “Can we just-” Rey stares at him. “Maybe talk?” Ben finishes lamely.

Rey turns to face him. She’s smirking now.

“You want to talk,  _ Ben _ ?”

“Oh, man.” Ben swallows, heart fluttering. “You saying my name is kind of-”

Rey sashays towards him. Is that the right word? It’s really only a couple of steps, but Ben can’t look away from her hips and they  _ do  _ seem to be moving an awful lot.

“What do you want to talk about?” she asks, stepping right into his space. Ben involuntarily whimpers a little; she smells really nice and the scent’s doing things to his dick.

“I want to kiss about, uh, talk about...mouths.” He’s panicking. “No, that’s not...um.”

Rey shakes her head, but she’s smiling. “You’re ridiculous, Ben.”

“Ok,” he says softly, staring down at her pale pink lips, perfect and wet where she’s licked them and even her  _ teeth  _ look so sexy he can’t hardly-

“You’re talking out loud again,” Rey says. Then she kisses him.

Ben hasn’t done this before, but he’s 90% sure it’s a pretty great kiss. Or like, 80% sure he’s kissing her well. Or maybe there’s like, a 50% chance that she hates it and him, but don’t tell him the odds when he’s busy shoving his tongue into Rey’s mouth.

The elevator door whooshes open.

“Mmph,” Ben mumbles. He frees one hand, scrabbling to hit the “close door” button without releasing the kiss. He must get it right; the door seals shut again with a counter-whoosh. Meanwhile, he’s got both his hands back on his prisoner’s ass, squeezing the ripest, juiciest flesh and…

The door opens again.

“Mmmnnnnf _ , _ ” Ben growls. He frees his lips with an audible pop and turns to glare at the door. Beyond it, Snoke is majestically sitting on his golden throne.

“...Hello?” he hears Snoke call.

Ben whacks the button again and the door closes. He starts sloppily sucking Rey’s neck, pulling her up against his bulging trousers.

A few seconds later, the doors slide back open. A praetorian guard pokes its head in.

“We can see you,” Snoke says in the distance, sounding resigned.

Ben growls deep in his throat. “Babe,” he says coldly, “I’m gonna kill him.” 

\---

It went pretty well, all things considered. Although, sure, he did almost give the game up at one point.

Snoke had been snarling at Rey. “Now you will-” the old man cut off, shifting his gaze back towards Ben.

“Are you al _ right _ , Kylo Ren?”

Ben had smeared his gloved hand over his face. “Ah, uh-” he snorted in laughter “-yeah. Yeah, yeah, for sure.”

Snoke looked at him for a long, steely moment, then looked back at Rey.

“You will-”

Ben erupts into laughter.

“ _ What is it? _ ” Snoke demanded.

Ben waved helplessly, bending over slightly with one hand on his thigh. “Whoooo, nope. Nothing. You’ll see!” But the joke was too good.

Grinning, Ben turned his gaze towards Rey. “Babe,” he called in a loud whisper, “I’m gonna-” he swiveled his gloves, picturing the saber, “-gonna totally-” he broke off, giggling again. “Nah, nah, you’ll see.”

Ten minutes later, Snoke is dead and Rey is definitely saving his ass. She’s like a leopard. A gazelle. A tiny, vicious, feral thing and he just wants to tell everyone-

“Did you know she’s my girlfriend?” he tells a praetorian guard, grinning stupidly.

“ _ What?”  _ Rey shouts from across the room. She’s locked in combat with two guards, her saber...well, hey, actually, his...flashing.

“Yeah, totally mine,” he says blissfully, looking up at the ceiling. He’s laying on his back next to the charred corpse of a guard; he didn’t mean to fall down, he’d just got kinda unbalanced while hacking at someone. With the curtains billowing in flame overhead, it feels a bit like being on the beach.

Ben gently pats the guard’s smoking helmet.

“I’m gonna hit that so hard,” he confides. He glances sideways at it. “Harder than you, man.”

Ben settles back on the shiny cold floor, closing his eyes with a sweet, content smile. He only meant to nap for a minute, but when he wakes up, his raging hot girlfriend is nowhere to be seen and  _ Hux  _ of all people is hovering near him, one hand on a blaster.

“Fuck!” Ben says, sitting up with a jerk. Hux jolts backwards from him, dropping his hand; Ben’s eyes narrow on it.

“Were you gonna draw a dick on my face?”

Hux freezes, opens his mouth to respond, then settles on simply shaking his head no.

\---

A few hours later, they’re partying on Crait.

“All firepower on those speeders!” Ben commands.

“Concentrate all fire on those speeders!”

Ben pauses in disbelief. He’s Supreme Leader of First Order, trying to blast his way in to see his girlfriend, and this fucking punk has just pissed him off.

“Are you serious?” he says, looking back towards Hux. 

“What?”

“I _ just _ fucking said that.”

Hux shifts. “No you didn’t.”

“Oh my god, yes I  _ did.” _

“You must be mistaken.”

“Mis-” Ben trails off, eyes wide and gut thrumming with anger. “Hold my beer,” he says sharply, passing his brew to the driver. 

Hux shrinks back. “Supreme Leader,” he simpers.

“You asked for it,” Ben growls, and he bitch-slaps the man with the force before physically barrelling into him. Hux squeals like a pig when he goes down, and Ben starts whaling on him.

“Such a fucking dick-”

“Somebody stop-!”

“Phasma thinks you’re a puss-”

The two men scuffle on the floor for a while, until Ben finally sits on Hux’s head. Ben exhales, feeling happier than he has since Rey left. He motions for his beer and the driver brings it back over, still cold in its First Order koozie.

“What’s happening out there?” he asks casually, slurping the suds. Hux twitches beneath him.

“A man’s walking out,” the driver reports.

“Oh, sick,” Ben says, perking with interest. He cocks his head to the side, trying to use his (blurry) senses to figure out who it might be. It takes a lot longer than it would if he were sober, and then he realizes…

“Uncle Luke.”

His gloved hands clench on his beer, crushing the can. 

“That fuckin’  _ cockblock _ .”

Ben heaves himself off of Hux, prompting the redhead to gasp with relief. Ben kicks him for good measure, a black scowl settling over his features.

“I want every gun we have to fire on that man,” he says, stonily fishing a new beer out of the cooler. The driver just looks at him, hesitating.

“Do it!” Ben snaps. “You won’t,” he adds under his breath, cracking the tab. He steadily chugs the new beer while outside, the amassed power of First Order pummels Luke Skywalker. He can almost smell the air sizzle from here.

Ben burps and throws the empty can. “More!” he shouts over his shoulder. No one replies but the firing intensifies. Ben frowns and turns.

“ _ More! _ ” he shouts again, fists clenching. Still no answer.

Ben snarls. He lurches over to the driver and grabs him by the shoulder, giving him a swift shake.

“Are you deaf, man?” he asks, enraged. “We’re out of beer!”

The driver trembles beneath his hand. “I- I think it’s all gone, sir.”

“Yeah, I  _ saw  _ that,” Ben huffs, letting go in disgust. He rolls his jaw thoughtfully, looking across the way at the other gorilla walkers, ignoring the massive growing cloud of red and white dust.

“Maybe one of the other ships…?” he says to himself.

“Uh, sir. What about Skywalker?”

Ben looks back at the guy. “Oh, him?” He blows a tired raspberry. “Lower the ramp,” he commands.

The driver looks at him askance. “Shouldn’t we lower the ship first?”

“Nah,” Ben mumbles, tossing his empty can at the wall. “I’m gonna do a kickflip off of the ramp, it’s gonna be sick.”

\---

It’s a shitty end to a shitty week.

Luke was a tool as usual, and he didn’t even play fair. The resistance got away, which means he’s gonna have to go and find Rey  _ again _ . And they’re all out of booze, so Ben doesn’t have anything else to stave off the massive hangover he’s nursing. 

“Fuck,” he mutters, falling heavily onto his knees. He blows air slowly out of his mouth, trying not to throw up; his guts feel  _ unreal.  _

Of course, that’s when the force bond connects them.

“Babe, I’m gonna puke,” Ben mumbles, burping and covering his mouth.

Rey sighs in disgust, shaking her head. She’s on a ship somewhere, probably with the resistance.

“Sorry,” he says, and then he vomits right there on the floor, all over his dad’s golden dice. “Ugh, gross.”

“You  _ really  _ need to stop drinking,” Rey snaps.

“Mhmm,” Ben manages. He wipes off his mouth with one gloved hand.

The scavenger crosses her arms. “I don’t even know why I-” she cuts herself off, lips pursed.

Ben groans, still on his knees on the floor. “C’n you rub my back?” he whines, giving his best puppy-dog eyes. “I feel  _ sick. _ ”

“No shit, you just puked,” Rey retorts, but she uncrosses her arms and walks over to him. Lightly, she touches his back. Ben sighs, his eyes shuttering.

“C’n you just do that a while?” he mumbles, swaying closer to her. “You smell good,” he adds.

Rey grudgingly rubs a slow circle over Ben’s back and he sighs happily, pressing his face into her thigh.

“You’re a  _ great  _ girlfriend,” he says, and kisses her leg.

“Uh-huh.”

“Our babies are gonna be hot.”

“...what?”

Ben kisses her leg again, sloppy but sincere. “Not like...hot to me, hot...just objectively…”

Rey sighs again in that way that she does and removes her hand, ignoring Ben’s whimper. He feels the air shift as she crouches down next to him, and he forces himself to open his eyes.

“Pretty face,” he whispers, dazed.

Rey kind of looks like she wants to kill him. Or kiss him. Or both.

“Sober up,” she says firmly. Her eyes trail over his face, and her lips quirk a little. “And  _ then _ find me.”

“Like a date?” Ben asks hopefully.

Rey scoffs and rises. Ben tries to follow her up and ends up on his ass, just shy of his vomit. 

“A date, right?” he calls up at the ceiling, all he can see from this vantage.

Rey chuckles and fizzles out of his hearing. Ben grins up into the air, shakily pumping his fist.

“Ya boy’s getting laaaaaaaaid,” he croons to himself. Then he finally, blissfully, passes the fuck out.


End file.
